What do members talk about?
What do LATCHES Members Talk About?
|A couple of
people have spoken of some very good experiences with mentors, but I think
I'd like to add that this isn't always the case. Whether you are
helped by a D/S mentor or not depends on how much that mentor actually
knows in the first place, what his or her motives are in mentoring you,
and what your motives are in being mentoring.
Sometimes, when you are new, it seems that everyone who talks authoritatively knows what they are talking about, but if you give it time, you can begin to pinpoint who says things that tend to be accurate and backed by fact, and who's just blowing his or her mouth off. There are lots of people out there in BDSMland passing themselves off as mentors who are just looking for more little fuck bunnies. They're collecting subbies for their stable and they've learned that some submissives are less defensive and more open around a Dom who appears to want to mentor them than they are around a dom who appears to want to get in their pants.
How do you find this out?
Talk to the mentor's former or current mentees and find out if
there's lots of sex involved in this person's mentorship of them. If
there is, and what you want is no strings attached sex with an authority
figure, then by all means go for it! But if you want to be advised
and helped by someone who keeps your best interests at heart and won't
encourage you to play with him if it would be bad for you, then don't
choose Master Fuck-em-all for your mentor, even if he's the most respected
dominant in your particular cyberpond, even if all the other
subbies want him, even if being chosen by him is some sort of "great
On Children in the Household
|I have three
children. It's very frustrating sometimes because I would LOVE to be
able to just kneel on a whim, talk openly with my Master about a need or
feeling that I have right at a certain period in time. This isn't
possible right now. He is very good about using subtlety to bring on those
submissive feelings. He might whisper to me, come up behind me and
slide His foot between mine and tap lightly, signaling me to part my legs
for HiM, reminders that He can do whatever, whenever. He is good
about taking a stolen 10 minutes when the opportunity arises for a trip up
to the bedroom for a deserved whipping, etc. What the kids see is
Mom and Dad being partners. That is our goal. Showing them
that there is a mutual respect for each others opinions. They see
us both apologizing for an uncalled for outburst, or talking about things
in a give and take way. They are also seeing that He sometimes is
the one with the final say. That by calm strength, He can quell an
argument and bring me back to a more rational tone. He and I see it
in a D/s light, but the kids are seeing it as calmly resolving a
On Pickle Grabbers
The pickle grabber is an obscure kitchen utensil which is (surprise!) used by some people somewhere to pull pickles out of a large jar or barrel of brine without getting your hands wet or getting your "cooties" in the brine.
The pickle grabber we have resembles a large white plastic syringe with a red button on one end and a small hole on the other end. When you push in the red button, four thin metal wires emerge from the other end. The wires tips are bent inward, so the thing looks like a mean little metal claw. The further the tips get out of their plastic sheath, the wider they move apart (the evil claw opens!) This is all controlled by a spring inside the syringe, so that the person pulling the pickle can vary, to a precise degree, how wide the claw extends, just by letting up on or adding more pressure to the red button.
Perverted uses? Imagine that little claw with its sharp prongs grabbing your nipple. Or a labia fold. Or the soft tissue of your vagina. Or imagine it being pushed, very slowly and carefully open inside your rectum (my master's favorite use for this nasty little device--but be careful here: although the prongs are tiny, they are pretty sharp and could hurt you if used carelessly). The pain it gives is hard to describe, but if any of you have ever been pricked on your skin with a hatpin, it feels like that, but worse. A very intense little pain on a very tiny spot of skin, the kind of pain that doesn't make you pass out, but drives you crazy with it's nasty, stinging pricking. I hate the sensation, myself, so my master uses this more as a punishment device than a play device.
Pickle grabbers can be obtained
from kitchen stores, where they keep small utensils or at some upscale
grocery stores. I think they cost about $6, so almost everyone can
On the Difficulty of D&S
From observing how kinky people relate over the years, but especially since the huge popularization of S&M, I've noticed that both doms and subs new to this sexuality seem to think that it is such a wonderful, powerful, magical way to live -- that becoming a sadomasochist somehow cancels out the ordinary human emotional conditioning and ways of behaving that we all are burdened with. If you're kinky, all sorts of new attitudes and behaviors should be open to you that are impossible for "ordinary mortals," goes this thinking. Well, of course that's bull hooky, but people act as if it were so, especially online where a lot of confusion exists about multiple relationships (i.e., kinky swinging, harems, and polyamory).
For many people, it's as if somehow just the act of discovering kinky desires turns you into a superhuman, capable of having full, rich, intimate, complex, and mutually satisfying sexual relationships with more than one person at a time with everybody completely happy about the situation -- even if before, all such polyamorous experiments (assuming you attempted them) ended in dismal failure. The idea that one can magically and instantly change into something much better and stronger than what one was before simply because one has realized a simple fact about one's sexual interests is a perfect example of wish-fulfillment thinking: if I want it, it must be so.
Since when is that ever true in any other area of life? If you want something badly, something that's normally hard to obtain or achieve, you either have to (a) inherit it, (b) have the talent, skill, intelligence, and luck to get it, or (c) be willing to work very, very hard for it. And even then, you may not get it. But somehow, just because you are a dominant with a capital D you're supposed to be able to have one of the most difficult things to achieve in the world without work, without great good fortune, without the skills, talents, or ability for keeping multiple submissives happy and fulfilled.
And somehow you're supposed to
magically be able to do this quite difficult thing even when all your life
you've had a hell of a time keeping simple monogamous relationships
together! Yeah, right. Uh-huh. I buy that. To all
the dominants out there who believe in the "transformational magic of
sadomasochism" tooth fairy, I have a cute little submissive bridge I'd
like to sell you... and for an amazingly reasonable price!
On the Problems With Cyber-Communications
The thing I hate most about the online environment is the way in which it attracts so many emotionally and mentally disturbed people. Individuals whom one would quickly cross the street to avoid in real life become stars or gurus on the nets. Online communications attract people with something to hide, as it is so easy to be someone or something else when all people have to see are your typed words. This form of communicating is incredibly seductive to people who are severely dysfunctional in in-person social encounters -- hiding safely behind a screen takes away almost all social anxiety. And while that can be good for certain types of people (the pathologically shy suddenly have a means to express themselves), it tends to make most people who are already sick and dysfunctional even more so.
The cyber world attracts many obsessive people who cannot control the time they spend on line and who take everything that happens in this artificial environment way too seriously. Unfortunately, such pathetic people, because of their apparent seriousness and willingness to spend all of their free time (and most of their work time!) online, are often highly admired by others, as they are usually the biggest contributors to whatever cyber worlds they choose to inhabit. No one else can keep up with their volume. This obsessiveness, besides causing such people to neglect whatever shreds of a real life they might have, becomes, after a while, a strongly negative force. When the honeymoon phase of the virtual world wears off, these people become the cyber-cops, the people who carry grudges and engage in on-line vendettas, the rigid attackers or upholders of rules, the constant whiners about how great Cyber Place X used to be, before all these new people came, the cyber personalities who evoke hatred, fear, or revulsion in the rest of us.
Even ordinary, nice people often
become pretty awful online, as the buffered safety of this medium seems to
lower inhibitions faster than guzzling a bottle of fortified wine
would. Ordinarily decent people say things and do things on line
that they would never consider saying or doing if they were face to face
with you. This is a medium of egotistical rudeness, of ruthless
aggression where people who are friends one day are dire enemies the next,
and of a weird kind of showing off and one-upmanship: the sort of
showing off that can only be done with rhetoric and with building a strong
"gang" or following of virtual henchmen who staunchly support you and
attack anyone who
|i just finished reading my mail
and saw someone's comment on what Master and i call subspace.... to
me that is one of the greatest gifts he gives me is my time in
subspace! it is a place only he can take me, it's a warm soft cozy
place where i can go that allows me to be at my most submissive!!!!
i have heard of it but had never gotten there until another person showed
Master how to take me and told me how to get there.
i guess to the outsider it would be like being in a trance, but to me it's a time to concentrate on Master only and his touch ... his voice and the way he makes me feel. once i'm there Master could do anything to me, i.e., spanking, bondage, waxplay. i feel no pain only warmth and the most sexual feelings i have ever encountered. i'm just now learning how to go there another way when Master pushes my pain limits and takes me further than i have been before. i found if i concentrate on his voice i can go there on my own. But i can never get there in a punishment time :( NOT sure why but i just can't seem to get into the same space Master is glad!!! he doesn't want me there then so maybe that is why i can't go, who knows???
does anyone else use subspace in their
On Jealousy & insecurities
|Being basically new to the 24/7
scene... i have found it increasingly difficult to get a real grip
on my insecurities of my Master spending time with others..... how
do other submissives deal with their jealousies and insecurities....
i know i need to become more secure in myself... but wondered if
there is some "magic cure" out there to help speed this process
On BDSM Cyber Chat Rooms
I went in and watched much of what was going on in some of the BDSM-related chat sites. I wanted to progress beyond bedroom role play, and thought that these were people that might be able to help me find the best way to do that. They SEEMED open, honest, and knowledgeable. Granted, some are, but what I found were those who were experts at painting pretty pictures and grandiose ideas of how a "slave life" was to be carried out. I wanted to experience what was so beautifully played out in these rooms, so brought my husband/Master in to see what I found. Quickly, we began to feel more open about discussing our commitment to a 24/7 D/s relationship.
But when we began putting into practice what we learned, we found that it wasn't all peaceful, flowery, and simple as it seemed. I began speaking up about the fact that there are issues, problems, concerns, and difficulties within my submission. I was told by a few cyber Masters, as well as submissives, that because of my feelings and difficulties, I was not a true submissive. WELL, these respected people MUST know what they are talking about RIGHT?? These cyber Masters who claim to know all, MUST know about what it takes to be a true submissive RIGHT? And the submissives who told me about their feelings for their Masters, their ease and comfort at kneeling and being used, the peace they found in it always, never a struggle. They MUST know, because they are TRUE submissives RIGHT? They were the ones that were looked up to as role models, etc. I took a real blow to my self-esteem, and devalued my submission as being not TRUE submission, for I didn't feel the peace within it ALL the time.
According to some, my struggles came from the fact that I was trying to be something that I am not. I am now secure in the fact, after talking with others that submit to REAL people, who feel the frustration, the hesitation, the unsurity, the struggle, that my difficulties do not come from the fact that I am not a submissive, but from the fact that I am giving of myself without the security of having a power button that allows me to exit. Submission to another flawed human being, where the lashes really do hurt, where the world isn't so accepting and kind, that may be inconvenient at times, in positions that may be very humiliating and not pretty.
Those who turn on their computer, enter a chat site, find a Dom, and engage in a scene in which they can sit back, read, think about, formulate a response, type it out, and paint a beautiful picture of their submission, are SEEKING it. They are ready and willing, and then have the luxury of being physically removed. Enjoying the mental feelings, and creating something that they wish to be involved in. Unfortunately, physical "in your face" submission isn't always like that. I don't have to tell a group of RT submissives the reasons this is so.
Pushing limits via cyber might
cause a little anxiety, but you can always wing it, turn off the puter,
and go about your day because you are removed enough from the situation
that it is possible to do so. But sometimes it's not pretty pushing
limits for real. When the fear and the pain and the humiliation are
real. When the fear of failure is looming, the Master is "in your
face", and there is no "winging it", I would venture to guess that many
would have difficulties, hesitation, and barriers to overcome. Is
this submissive behavior? Many online would say no. A TRUE
submissive wouldn't have those problems. But, I say it is natural
for a submissive to have those problems. Cyber allowed me to
initially see the beauty in submission, to take some pride in my feelings,
but it did not show me the reality of it. Within LATCHES, I hope
that we will see both. The beauty and the reality woven together,
gaining recognition and pride from our struggles and successes, and also
gaining support and understanding from our
On Children in the household
I really had to think about this for a few days before I could put onto paper what I believe is my *personal* philosophy on this subject. I say personal because everyone must do what they feel works best for them, and member responses on this subject have been great. This is one of those not very sexy subjects that VT D/s never have to deal with... but BOY, is it a huge issue for those of us with children in RT BDSM! For me, a political feminist (now please, ya'll...don't freak out on me!), it is a very important issue because I want to be true to myself (my belief system, my sexual needs, my *heart*) and I want to be really, really authentic with my two daughters who are still at home. They are teenagers, and I love and cherish them with all of my heart. They are "kewl" kids, and smart, and... WATCHING ME ALL OF THE TIME!
Now how would it look, if after all these years of my talking to them about choice and personal liberty... self-reliance and personal strength (traits they have really learned much better than me!) suddenly I began to publicly appear as subservient, unable to function without direction from my husband... needy? After all, these are emotions that I honestly cope with... emotions that my Master helps me to deal with. What kind of example would I be setting? What kind of life might I be setting my own daughters up for? Abusive relationships (...been there, done that) with silly, arrogant assholes, that's what! On the other hand, how can I pretend to be anything but utterly devoted and dependent on my husband (their step-father)? Well, this is how it works for me...
As long as I can remember (way before I had the Master I am so fortunate to have now), I have told them that one of their greatest gifts as women as humans is to be able to love others, to be tolerant and compassionate as far as is possible... that there is NO WEAKNESS in serving others... it is a strength to be selfless and kind. It is always easier to be mean when someone hurts us, but it is noble to try and meet others with love or at least with some understanding.
In that vein, my children (son included) have never heard me cheer with the "man bashers" on Oprah, never seen me tell my husband or anyone for that matter "to get it for yourself!", they have never heard me make comments about "all men are...". They have heard me say that I am proud to be a good wife, a good mother, a very smart business owner, a survivor, and a very strong advocate for women's issues. So-o-o... for that reason, they have not been surprised to see me wait on D. hand and foot! I call him "Daddy" quite often, and they are used to it (though they tease me some.) He pounds the sofa cushion next to him and growls at me to get over there, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHERE YOU BELONG!"... and they giggle (although, I know that sometimes that is a prelude to Big Discipline!). They would not be surprised if I spoonfed him his supper, because they know I usually will do anything to make the people in my home... the people I am here on this earth to love with all of my being... happy.
And yes, that can include them...and no, they are not spoiled, in fact, all of my kids are really sweet and protective of me. Does all of this mean that I don't set a good example for my girls? I don't think so. I raised them many years on my own, I am the first person in a room to stand up and be counted with an opinion (I wish I wasn't!) often, a minority opinion. I have withstood many unpleasant life situations and come out on top (YEECH, what a choice of words!). I know and my Master knows that I was born to submit my will to another... my children know that I am a woman who finds strength in nurturing others -- so there is no dichotomy, no mixed messages... at least I don't think so.
Finally, it helps oh, so very much
to have a wise Master. One who knows that although he may require
anything of you at anytime, is still capable of restraint. D. will
make demands on me quite obviously in front of others mainly as a form of
humiliation, because he knows I cannot refuse.. .but this he reserves for
those times when I have really gone off the beam! Everything else
is good sense... NO, you can't leave the whips and clothes pins out
on the coffee table and YES, we can all dream of the day when the kids
finally move out on their
|While i have a deep pink (to
match the color of my handle in the chat rooms) pet collar, with tags
engraved with O/our respective names, to wear at home, i also always wear
a silver chain with a heart-shaped lock and a key around my neck...
this never comes off... ever *smile*
|Regarding the solicitation of
opinions regarding feminism and its ability to be applied to the
submissive in a D/s relationship, in my opinion, yes. I think a
woman can have anything that a man can have. I believe a woman is
entitled to every single right that a man is entitled to. And I
believe she is free to give that power to whoever she wants. The
more she has, the stronger she is, the more she has to give to the one
that she chooses. I actually think the concepts fit together rather
On Long-Distance Relationships
Many nights I sit and read the posts and feel like an outsider... like a piece of some large jigsaw puzzle that does not fit within the mass of other pieces. I sit back and wonder if I ever will... really *fit*.
I see so many people that have Doms who are their life partner or living with them or even within a few hours drive... then I look at myself... and I wonder... how long can I wait.... how much can I endure.... how true is my submission when I hold these questions and doubts.
I do not live with the Master I serve... I do not live within a few hours drive of him... I am 8 hours by plane to his feet. I am not married to my Master... I have not know him for years and years... nor have I borne him children. I simply do not hold this type of history with the man I serve... I am a submissive who waits for her place at his feet.
I first met him last August in person, it was pure unbridled fire, passion, lust and emotion... I found my submissive soul with this man... a soul I didn’t know lived within this body I thought I knew so well. From that visit on... we fell in love... we fell hard, deep and now... my heart, body/blood and soul..... every breath..... belongs to this man that has captured my very essences. Now I burn within an endless wildfire... I try and find ways to soothe the deep ache that grows within me. I am alone with this pain... I am alone with my tears... I am alone with my questions... I am scared... I need the Master I kneel to... to give that wounding kiss... to grace me with his healing touch. I am a submissive who waits for time to give what it cruelly denies.
I find myself... angry for feeling so ~sorry~ for myself... for being weak. In my eyes, I am failing as a submissive and I will express this view of failure to my Master and he is quick to correct me in my “view”... as it is not for me to view such, for in his eyes I am not failing.. so I am told to stop with my private pity party and concentrate on the issue at hand... getting myself in a position to move over to be with him. He has ~kindly~ *wink* given me a daily routine that I am to adhere to in networking and submitting my resume for employment. It is extremely hard to secure a job in this area.
One of my hardest situations is keeping myself down in my mind. What I mean is... how do I keep myself in a submissive mindset... in sub space? He gives me tasks and I do them, tho there are times when the last thing I want to do is put on my collar... get on my knees... masturbate... tape it and send it to him. (yes I do this! ~laughing~ I love it!! *wink* so I am a lil twisted! ) I just miss him so much I can’t stand it... it makes me miss him so much more... the emptiness of not having him becomes overwhelming... thus I struggle to find my head space to complete these tasks. SoOoOo I find myself being the rebellious lil bitch giving him a hard time or whining when what I should be doing what he tells me! *pout* I DON'T wanna be a BAD SLAVE... I wanna know what I can do to help myself... I WANNA know that I AM NOT alone in this STATE I find myself!! *laughing* GAWD, I can’t decide if I wanna bitch, feel sorry for myself, whine or sulk!! What a pain I am being today!! Sorry ladies...*kissssssssssese*
I swear I will try and NOT bore
ya’ll with my lil sob story and wimpy lil questions...it is just that my
next visit is but 4 weeks away and, MAN, every day is like a
I am IRON SUB
oh gawd my sides hurt
Yes! I name the group! Black
Sabbath: that's who I was trying to think of and couldn't, so I said Deep
Purple instead. I haven't heard Ozzy's version of that song, but I
can just imagine. It's perfect for him.
I am IRON SUB
<the ever so infamous guitar
riff> (almost wanting to change the tune now to AC/DC's dirty deeds
I am IRON SUB
We wish to express our
sincere thanks to Beauty and
Copyright © 1997-2006 ~LATCHES~